I love you more

A story I made for my boys...

Lance "Momma how much do you love me"
Momma "Oh so much."

Robin "How much is so much?"

Lance " Do you love me more than Robin? I came first!"

Robin "No momma loves me more I came last I was perfect!"

Momma looking at Lance, then at Robin.  "Humm how do I explain this? "
"I love you more than all the ants on the ground"

Robin "That's not much, who do you love that little?"

Lance " Your little maybe that's you?"

Momma "Nope that's both of you. Get down low like a little tiny ant"  they boys lay down on the soft green grass

"Robin how many ants do you see? " Momma asked.

Robin tried to count them one,two, three, "Momma there are too many and they keep wiggling around."
Lance looked at Robin and said "There are more than I can count for sure."
Momma smiled "So if there are more ants on the ground than we can count is that a big love or just a little? "
The boys grinned " Big, really big!"

The next day the boys asked again "How much do you love me?"

Momma said "More than all the grass on the ground"
Lance was prepared for this "There is a lot of grass in our yard but not so much, how much grass?"
"Yeah," piped Robin smiling they had momma now!
Momma smiled"Look at our yard," She said "and think almost every person in the world has some kind of yard or garden or park they can go to. And all of it has grass, I love you more than all that grass!"

"Wow" the boys said, "that's a lot of love! "

That night the wind blew hard and the lighting flashed through the windows the boys were scared so they asked again, "Momma how much? "

Momma held them both all snuggled in under a cozy blanket. She was listening to the wind blow and the crashing of the thunder. "How much what lovie?" She asked softly kissing each on the head.

"Please tell us how much you love us."

Momma laughed softly and hugged them both tight.
"I love you more than all the leaves on all the trees in all the world."
"I love you more than all the rain that has fallen from the sky from the beginning of Time. "
"I love you more than all seeds that have ever fallen from all the plants that have ever been. "
And momma kissed them up till they started to laugh and then they happily fell asleep.

The next day they went to the beach. Robin played in the sand and Lance swam like a fish in the ocean.
"Not too far Lance" momma said only thigh deep."
Lance shouted above the waves "Ok Momma"
Momma looked down at Robin, her eyes darting from one boy to the other as she stood between them her eyes never leaving one or the other for long.
Looking at Lance, Momma scolded Robin, "Robin don't play with that crab he is going to give you a nasty bite."

Robin looked up at Momma, mad because he was having fun. "How do you do that?' He asked", and why do you care if I play poke poke with the crab? "

"I care because I love you, and how do I do what?  "Momma said once again checking on Robin then Lance.

"You just don't want me to have fun." Said Robin

Momma laughed then sighed, "No Robin I want you love love little creatures as much as I love you and Lance. "
Robin snorted and looked up at Momma her eyes watching Lance as he swam. "Yeah momma and how much is that? "

"More than all the water in all the ocean, all the rivers and all the lakes in all the world.  Even more than all the sand on all the beaches and in all the deserts and under all the oceans of all the world."

Momma called to Lance "Lance too far. Come back this way."

Lance couldn't hear momma over the crashing of the waves momma looked at Robin and said "DON'T MOVE!"

Momma ran down to the ocean and dove into the waves swimming to grab Lance because he was too deep.  Momma scooped Lance up and carried him to the shore she began to shout. " Lance you didn't listen! I said no deeper then your thighs are you ok? Talk to me are you ok you were too deep "

Lance began to cry " You don't love me any more your mad at me! That's your angry face and you don't love me anymore."

Lance cried so hard that Robin came over, and as he tried to comfort Lance he began crying too.

Robin looked at Momma and said "Stop yelling your hurting my brothers feelings, you don't love us!"

Momma stopped yelling with tears in her eyes "I am not mad, I am scared, the ocean is wide and deep and very easy to loose a small boy in. I called you and you didn't hear me. I thought the ocean was going to take you far away from me I was scared." Kneeling down beside the boys she held them tight , "I love you both more than anything ,I love you when I am happy, and I love you even more when I am angry! "
Momma kissed them both squeezed them tight and whispered, " Let's pack up and go home we will have a weenie roast in the yard ok?"

The boys nodded quietly and gathered their things.  Later that evening Momma lit the fire pit laid out a blanket and they roasted hotdogs and and marshmallows they ate quietly. Then they lay on the ground looking up at the sky.  The boys had been quiet since the beach Momma supposed they were thinking and she let them as the fire burned low.  Momma lay with them and quietly began showing the boys the constelations, Orion, Leo ,the big dipper.
Softly Robin whispered "You love us even when your angry? "
She nodded, Lance said "I hate you when I am angry" Momma laughed.
"I will tell you a secret Robin" moved closer "what?"
"I love you even when you hate me, I love you even when your angry!"

Lance and Robin looked at each other and shook their heads, "No one can love anyone that much not even you Momma."

Momma smiled a very, very special smile and she pulled the boys in tight their heads on her shoulders as they looked up at the deep dark night sky.  "Do you really, really want to know how much I love you?"
They nodded.
"Count all the stars you can see, then count all the ones you can't see, then add all the stars in all the galaxies in all the universe and you still don't have enough numbers.  To me you both are more important than even air. I love you both more than anything..

Because Mommas love just that much.

The chocolate boy

Can a boy who is allergic to milk have a friend made of chocolate?

When Lance was 3 going on 4 he understood he had a very bad allergy to milk. He didn't know why but he understood that he could not have milk or chocolate or a lot of things everyone else was having.    He was newly enrolled in pre k and the first few weeks of school were spent in a series runs down to the school and back putting out " emotional fires" Lance did not have language enough to explain what scared him what hurt or set him off. He was like a live wire in a puddle sparking off unexpectedly. 

The teachers were reluctant to call me feeling that I would make it worse because I was a over protective mom according to one teacher.  I explained to them his difficulty communicating and that he used a mix of  sign and representative sounds and a very few words. They knew better than me apparently because they just could not make sence of his language. He was so frustrated it's not funny. 

He would come home red faced and crying every day, itchy and covered in hives. Every day a dose of Benadryl and some time under the turtle shell with his nebulizer till he could breathe was our new routine. When asked what was happining they had no answers other than he cried and would not play and then he would sleep and not wake up. 

Finally I put myself in the class for a full week they tried to have me removed but I would just come back. As I observed the class and helped Lance play with others and take his speech therapy and o/t I noticed he avoided certain children. He would laugh when they played with others but freeze up when they came near him, lunch was a challenge because he was put totally alone because of his allergy to milk and even the kids with nut allergies were not so separated.  When I pointed this out to the teachers and para they insisted that he would throw a full out tantrum if he was put with certain children so they just let him sit alone. 

The children he was avoiding were all children of color!  I was very puzzled by this we have many friends of color ranging the spectrum from black enought they shine blue in the dark to cafe au'Le to Chinese and Puerto Rican ( my husband Is light skinned Puerto Rican but some of his family is dark too) and even more.. Why is this suddenly a problem. 

I sat and was talking to Lance softly and slowly.  

Why was he avoiding the boy who would smile and wave to him every day.  

Lance signed no friend no more! 

Why?

Lance signed chocolate

And he rubbed his arm and made a choking sound.

"Baby he doesn't have chocolate you can play with him it's ok" 

Lance shook his head rapidly signing and saying " NO NO I hurt mommy no I hurt"

Now my mind is racing how is he hurt? Who hurt him? How do I figure this out? 

"Lance are you afraid of Brandon?  Did he hurt you?" 

Lance tells me not the chosen one not parev... Now I am really confused,  The Chosen One is one of my brothers best friends Maurice he is the uncle Lance chose he made his own sign for him and all and adding parev the word for milk free foods in Yiddish is a weird combo.  Maurice is a handsome dark skinned young man who can melt anyone's heart with a smile. But what has he got to do with parev? 

So I asked lance one more time why he wouldn't play with Brandon he looked at me so frustrated and signed he's not parev like the chosen one! 

He's not parev? How can a person be Parev? 

I grab the teacher and ask her if they were paying before the tantrums got really bad. And they said yes but they had to separate them for lunch because Brandon always brings chocolate milk to school.  One day Brandon spilled the milk all over and they told lance to stay away from him he had milk on him. Then suddenly the light bulb went off 

You told Lance he was coverend in chocolate milk! 

Yes? Why? 

You told a 4 year old allergic child that his black friend was covered in chocolate! He took you literally and thinks all the kids who are of color are made of chocolate now!! He thinks your trying to kill him by making him play with chocolate children. Milk can kill him and he is in a class full of children made of chocolate. 

It took me two weeks to make lance understand that Brandon was not made of chocolate but really made of skin and bones and he could wash off any milk that was on his hands and mouth from lunch and be able to play with him. He thought Maurice really was special because he was made of parev chocolate   because he never had a allergic reaction to him ever. While my efforts did not eliminate the tantrums they did make it so he did not come home every day covered in hives and in a asthma attack because of crying all day.  So yes a highly allergic child and make friends with a chocolate boy and live to tell the story.

Tie them up baby

So today Lance tied his shoes. I know all kids eventually tie their shoes but lances hand eye coordination has never been good enough for him to do it. He has tried and tried over the years and he usually just gives up screaming or slamming things around from frustration.

At 15 not being able to tie his shoes drives me crazy because finding full velcro sneakers boots and shoes can be diffacult Espically since he wants somthing that looks cool,  and is velcro.

Here is the exchange
"Lance baby put your boots on and take out the garbage."

"Do you need it done right away mom?"

"No baby take your time."

"K"
About 15 or 20 minutes passed and I realized I never tied his boots for him. I go into the living room and ask him..

"Lance do you need me to tie the boots for you baby? I am sorry I forgot."

He looks at me an as bland as you please he says
"No mom I got it"

(Me inside I can't breathe.. blank stare... my heart is racing")

"Huh?"-  "show me baby?"
He lifts his foot puts it on my knee and the boot is tied perfectly..
I look at Robin "did you tie these for him?"

"No mom "

"Nope I tied them mom by myself."

15 years old and he tied his shoes and I want to do laps around the block and I can't.  He looks at me and I smile and I can tell he is not in the mood for a celebration.  I kiss his forehead tell him how proud I am and smile.

Lock myself in the bathroom and cry. And without me reminding him he takes out the garbage.

Today was a success!!

Play pretend?

Play Pretend....

We started out this journey with a child we were told would never walk, talk, hear, play or ever be in any way shape or form even remotely normal.
So we tried everything, we spoke to him constantly, we played constantly. We taught him sign language so he could communicate.

We were desparate and we tried everything. I realized early that he liked to watch TV. He interacted with the characters. He understood what was happening and could mimic some things. Through TV,  and Movies I found a way into my sons head, we pretended. We pretended that he was Bob the Builder, Harry Potter, Rolie Polie Olie, Max and Ruby, Inuyasha,  every cartoon that had a physical, verbal and mental use I used.  With Bob the Builder it was "Can we do it, Yes we can.  Can Lance show Mommy what he wants? "Yes he can.. now show me baby..."  he would Put on his Bob hat and go to what he wanted and show me and then try to say it.  It was fantastic.. Lance show me something the shape of Zoies dress.. (Zoie is Olie's little sister) and he would struggle and fight to get to a triangle shape and bring it back to me.
While that was fun and educational and very interactive. I never realized that in his head while he was doing these things he really thought he was Olie, Bob, Harry, Inuyasha and more.

 As a baby after please and thank you in sign language, one the other first things he learned to say verbally was "I can't".  I can't was his Answer for everything. It was frustrating for me and him. Because he really believed he couldn't, but would do the very same things he just said he couldn't as a character.  Hind sight is a beautiful thing now I see that he viewed himself as less.

Not good enough not smart enough.. just Not.

Being Lance is not a good thing in his head. Unfortunately Lance is aware.. he has always been aware that he is different. Aware that he couldn't do things the other children could.  When he was just 5 he came home from school crying yet again. He asked me to fix him. "Make me normal Momma fix me!" he demanded this so imploringly that I cried with him. He handed me his Bob the builder hammer screwdriver and level and cried.
 I never made him feel like he was lesser. Nothing was pointed out to him that he was different. I never looked at him and asked why cant you do this or be that.

When his stutter was so bad that he could barely be understood by anyone including me I never blamed him. I would tell him .. "Lance baby my ears hurt today can you take a deep breath and say that again slowly so I can hear all of it?" It was never his fault that I didn't understand. It was on me, or what ever other adult was there talking to him.

Who did this?  Why would someone make a child feel like they can never be good enough to be "normal". I can name some teachers, and at least one Principal that had a hand in my sons ego deficiency but more than anything its Lance himself.  He sees that he is different he knows he isn't like anyone else. But whats worse he can't see that all people are different on a one to one basis. No two people are exactly alike.

Now that he is 11 the problem of pretend has gotten worse.
Sometimes I use it to get him comfortable with doing somthing new. (I am guilty of many things and using my sons Abilities and Disabilities against him is one of them.)  He no longer pretends to be Bob or Olie. But Harry has hung around ( the family being fans of the books and movies hasn't helped that one)  to be joined by Nigel Marvin ( The television naturalist), Chef Elric The best master Chef ( a Lance creation) and a few others.  The problem with the pretend is that these "people" are Lances alter Egos,  I don't mean that Lance believes he is that person literally but he believes in their success so much that he can do what ever they do.  its a good thing and a bad thing, Lance  is a faster learner when he plays pretend as Harry, he remembers every detail about dinosaurs or animals if he is Nigel Marvin and when he Pretends to be Master chef Elric Lance can cook he memorizes Recipes and can do all of the steps that nervous mommy will allow.
But there  is a problem he My baby who is smart beautiful and perfect is never good enough in his own mind as just my baby.  

What to do?

How do you tell your child who is exceptional that it is ok to exceed everyone’s expectations?

Why would I be asking this question?

Well I had an interesting day yesterday; Robin my little master of the universe had a visual perceptual appointment yesterday to determine if he is dyslexic like Lance. Turns out he is disgraphic not dyslexic but that is fine. He exceeded in all things the grading level for his age range is between 1-10. A 1 having the visual receptiveness of an infant and 10 being what every 1st grader should be able to do. After that it is 2 points for every grade level.  Robin only graded low on 2 or three things one was math and the other had to do with hand eye co-ordination and visual tracking.  The rest he graded at or well above his grade. Up to a 5th grade level.  I know my son is smart but this was terrific. I have no doubts that he is able to do and understand more than anyone expects but the 5th grade level was amazing!

So why all this detail? Because the gentleman doing the testing asked Robin about reading at home he said he doesn’t read at home (BTW, not true not reading in my house is like not breathing. If you dont do it you die). When asked why he doesn’t read at home he told the gentleman that he doesn’t read so that his brother Lance doesn’t get mad at him for doing better.

Robinin and Lance are brothers in the best sense of the word. Robinw ill defend Lance to the end of time. He will fight all comers until he has wiped them out, he LOVES Lance. He will protect Lance even from himself. Begging when Lance loses control for him to not hurt himself. Lance will fight to save or help Robin. He hates when he gets picked off because he is little. He holds and hugs Robin when his feelings are hurt.  If Robin is scared or hurt, he comforts him. Saying sweet things to him so he feels better. He Loves Robin but from my point of view its conditional from Lance to Robin, not the same from Robin to Lance.  But they are still brothers in the worst sense of the word as well. They fight, they say the meanest things, and they are hurtful.  They say things to hurt each other. Something I don’t have experience with especially when it comes to my siblings.  Even when we fight now we don’t say things to hurt each other intentionally with real thought in it. But my two do.

Remember Lance is 11 soon to be 12 and has severe reading issues he only reads at a first grade level.

So how do I maintain the "superior" role of Lance as the big brother.  He is supposed to be more "knowledgeable" because of age or "experience"?  Can I do this and  still give Robin the go ahead to excel, to show the world just how smart he is? 

How do I do this and not make Lance feel yet again like less?  

How do I balance my boys, so both can feel worthy and exceptional?

How can Lance feel like he can be the big brother and not be smarter? 

At least not literally book smart because Lance is very smart in his own ways.  How do I make sure that Robin excels to his fullest potential? 

What do I do so that Robin doesn’t rub in Lances face the fact that he is better at these things. Things that Lance struggles with all the time. He will have to struggle with for reading and math the rest of his life. Having to constantly refresh and renew in his mind things that for everyone else once it is learned it’s kept in the mind and easily accessed.

How do I make sure that in a moment of anger or frustration Robin doesn’t look at Lance and say, “Ha like I would listen to you, your too stupid to even be able to read"

How do I deal with the potential Superiority / inferiority complexes that are staring me in the face? Then make them not happen!

Oh God what do I do? It’s so hard to balance the two of them.  I want them to grow up and be friends. I want them to love each other like I love my sister and brother. I want them to care for and be concerned for each other. I don’t want them to be in a constant state of competition. 

Or in a eternal power struggle. What am I supposed to do??

Any suggestions would be greatly apriciated.

Fame and Stupid Opinions

Rob Schneider Links Autism To Vaccines, Rails Against Big Government ???  (see article)http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/01/rob-schneider-links-autism-vaccines_n_1641922.html

WTF?

Who is he to say this? Where is his degree? Where is the scientific research, (ie: repeatable tests that prove the outcome)?  You want to postulate?  You want to grab guesses well here is on that is based on actual facts and backed by some actual science..

How about looking at the nuclear fallout out from all the testing and disasters of the past 70 years. the 1st Nuclear tests were done in the 1940's.  reletively close to inhabited places women of child bearing age were

exposed to first fallout, what we didn't know is it take 50 years for radiation to dissipate.

 So lets draw a time line for those who don’t know... Between 1945 and 1998 there were over 2000 nuclear tests done.. World wide, the tests are spread globally but many were close to The USA as shown in the map I will attach.
Now these women of child bearing age are exposed to radiation in larger amounts that ever before, the radiation is loose in the atmosphere and blowing around the globe, rain brings some of it down to the drinking water and still it moves less intense but still there moving globally. What dosent get washed out by rain will travle in the wind for 50 years,
These women have their first daughters and sons and we have the first documented occurrences of autism. It seems that sons are the most affected by the effects of radiation on the communication portions of the brain.  Some girls are affected but in much fewer numbers than boys. Perhaps the daughters are affected this way, girls are born with one set of ovaries and essentially a set number of eggs. Boys don’t develop sperm until they are in their teens, and sperm re-generates or replenishes as it is used. essentially the system is frequently flushed and even though there is environmental effects the buildup in the testies is less than th econstant exposure of the ovaries.  

With girls,  the eggs are exposed to everything she is, from before she is born till she hits menopause. This includes residual radiation, in the food she eats the water she drinks and the air she breathes as well as medical exposure.

Now lets call the 1940s moms Gen 1,  Gen2 1950s would be their children, these post nuclear girls were exposed in utero, the occurrence of autism rises a little more some women are more exposed  to radiation due to proximity than others but autism is still pretty rare. Gen 2 has children and they get a double banged, because they are irradiated from their mother & grandmother then environmentally. More radiation from fallout & testing that continued though the early 60’s and 70’s These children have matured and had even more children all the while autism is rising slowly still a vague syndrome blamed on cold mothers who care nothing for children because why else would they be this way?

Finally we come to the 80’s 90’s and 2000 Lets call them G4x the radiation has been quadrupled three mile island, Chernobyl and now the melt down in Japan. All forms of birth defects are on the rise and 1 in 75 boys will be diagnosed as autistic or having PDD ( a catchall for the variants of autism that don’t always fit the broad umbrella of “What is wrong with my child!”).

So In short before you blame life saving inoculations perhaps you should look at history and science that can be proven. Do I think they bunch shots too much? Yes, But that’s because I think a child’s immune system should be treated a little more gently. If My child is sick and is exposed to another cold or virus before the first is finished he will become rundown and more susceptible to more serious infections. Less is more sometimes. But I still want them to get the injections!

But then I am only the mother of two children on the spectrum, I only read and do research on the side. My first job it to make my children be the best they can be! Not some over paid actor/ comiedian piad to make an ass out of myself and putting my un wanted opinion in on somthing that is not so easily explained.

[HQ] Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle [HD]

Happy anniversary Baby 12/09/10